Not that Kind of Peace

Ah, peace…the tranquil, Kum-By-Yah, “peace” we long for – As if when you feel at peace you are seated on a mat with arms rested on your knees palms up in Sukhasna pose at one with everything in the midst of chaos. As if peace smelled of hemp and incense and granola. Or if the sound of peace was the light pitter-patter of rain and the waft of air from a butterfly passing.

I in no way feel that kind of peace at all. I have a headache. My eyes are weary from crying. My stomach feels the almost constant bath of acid from what this past week has triggered in my body’s autonomic response. My heart is aching from hurting on so many people’s behalf. My mind is filled with swirls of thoughts, plans, questions, ideas…the mess in my mind mirrors the mess of papers and coffee mugs and to-go trays around me. Ha-ha-ha!…Oh, and my kitchen is in the living room – literally – and dust is covering everything. This is the week that the remodel began so I’ve been managing that in between regular work-work and literal life/death crisis and tragedies – *twitches.

So, peace? Peace!? You keep using that word, World, and I don’t think you know what it means. Honestly, the Church keeps using it too, and I don’t think the Church gets it either. Do I have peace? *sings “peace like a river, I’ve got [insert wavy hand motion] peace like a river…”

Sure. I have “peace like a river” if that river is a level VI whitewater rapid.

The kind of peace I have right now wouldn’t look like peace to the groovy. tie-dye clad folks and it wouldn’t look very much like the kind of “peace” I hear Christianish people talk about when they quote verses out of context.

The kind of peace I have right now quite literally surpasses understanding – mine included. I have no words. I don’t know what to say amidst hit after hit of depravity, sickness, loss, and evil I’ve witnessed this week. It’s an odd feeling to know the answer to a prayer even as I’m still anguished about things. To at one time trust and yet still feel so unsettled. The Bible points me to the “peace of God that passes understanding” and that is exactly that – I cannot comprehend this peace. I really just don’t grasp it.

So, the kind of “peace” I have right now? It’s not easy. Not tranquil. Not at all steady or restful. The peace I somehow have – and I do have it – is the peace standing on facts and truth and knowing that the God who spoke the world into existence is whispering to my heart – “Be still and know that I am God” – and that while the waves that are rushing around me and those I love – the very waves that feel like they will overturn us – are at no time outside of the total rule of Jesus who can at any moment and with a word demote them from Class VI to a Class I more tame than a theme park “Lazy River” – but right now? – there. are. still. violent. waves. And I am cold. I am wet. I am bouncing around clumsily and unattractively in this kayak.

So, I look around and make note of what I have – I tap and tighten the life jacket buckled around me. I have my paddles – one is broken and the other is almost too heavy for me to hold – and I have my helmet strapped – albeit cockeyed and not at all Instagram pretty – on my wet head. My kayak has a hole in it from being battered against several rocks, but I’m not drowning. I’m not going down.

That’s the kind of peace I have. Peace from Jesus the Prince of Peace – not as the world gives, but peace from my Advocate – the Holy Spirit. So I will not let my heart be troubled or afraid – at least I’ll try my best, because, dang – this is really hard. But I know I am not alone. I don’t just have a river guide, I have The Guide and I know Him well and He knows this all well. He’s done this before and will bring me safely to the end where I really hope there’s more than a granola bar, hot chocolate, and campfire Kum-By-Yah time because I’d prefer a beer and some big, warm, salty, pretzels.