I Have Hard Days Too

I had to leave to get away from the sounds of anger, but I had to leave to get ready for my talk that night. I gathered my Bible, notebook, and computer, backed out of the driveway – trembling, worried, nervous – and made it around the corner. The post-traumatic response of panic and anxiety was coming over me as I quaked under the stress of hearing Glen’s furious tone. I decided to pull over and breathe and pray for him and for myself. “Oh God. Please don’t let us lose so much. Please help Glen hear your voice through this. Please help me breathe and move and trust you…” I cried there in the car feeling powerless and concerned that in a few hours I would be standing before women sharing my testimony of how God had delivered my husband from alcoholism and abusive behavior and yet, what would I come home to? Would it all be gone? Would he have done something reactionary and foolish? Was this it? Had we made it to the four-year mark only to lose it again? My imagination was flooded with panic and fear for our future.

Getting back on the road, I headed for my study spot and just prayed and drove. I pictured each of the women who would be coming out to hear me speak in a few hours. I thought about the food and the lights and the table settings…I imagined the fellowship and laughter and the openness to what they would be hearing and experiencing…and I became distinctly aware that there were spiritual forces at work – to rob our joy, destroy our lives, kill our hope – not just mine and Glen’s but these women’s too! In the same moment, still sensing the spiritual nature of this incident, I realized that it’s not just darkness trying to overcome us, but that there was love and hope and power – the ultimate power of God to vanquish this darkness and I heard God speak in my heart: “Do you trust me?”

As clear as the street light switching to green in front of me was the voice of God to my anxious heart. “Do. You. Trust. Me?”